I'm afraid. Constantly. Like shaking in my boots afraid (I can't get my boots on since my legs are too swollen). I have mostly resigned myself to pain. Unless I can totally sedate myself the pain never goes away - not with the measly pills I get. It has been a whole year and I'm not any better. The only thing that IS going to lessen is the amount and type of pills I get.
What I haven't resigned myself to is the lack of breath that goes along with the pain. For instance, walk to the car = chest pain + gasping for breath + leg pain, and all this combined = huge fear.
I am going to try to scrape some poop out of the yard before it gets too hot. I have been told to not go outside when the temp is 80 or above. Apparently heat puts added stress on my tiny black grinch heart. So as soon as it gets light outside, I'll be out there with my shovel and rake. I pretend they are diamonds and I'm prospecting. (I have to pretend SOMETHING or this little yard would overflow in no time.
I try to plan to do one thing a day. It's hell when that one thing involves crap. Maybe someday I'll work up to two things.
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