BRAND NEW NOSES and a BITCH

This is the time of year when I usually replenish my clown nose supply, since they are readily available at any pop-up Halloween store in town.  Besides the standard clown nose size, which is 2 inches, they had a GIANT clown nose, which of course I had to buy.

I bought every clown nose they had in the store.  I go through them like Pez.  I give them away, I leave them laying somewhere.  I leave them with tips, etc. Sometimes in rush hour traffic, I drive while wearing one. They're kind of my calling card, particularly since I started driving a clown car, a Honda Fit.  Not as small as a Smart car, but pretty damned small.  Especially when you consider that I am an Amazon-sized woman and sort of have to fold and unfold myself to get in and out.  (Remember, 6'3" in my ass-stomping boots.)

So now I have this wild gray hair which is a natural fright wig thanks to my grinch heart - kind of like Beethoven's hair.  My lovely red, sleek hair has been replaced by wiry white and steel gray, which I actually kind of like.  Nonetheless it is still quite shocking to me, especially if I catch my reflection in a passing mirror or window, and it probably shocks other people as well.  Meh.

I take my basket of nothing but clown noses up to the cashier, who is a muffin-topped 17ish year old girl with glitter makeup and feather extensions.  For some reason I have a huge wad of $1 bills in my purse--43 of them to be exact.  I have no idea how they got there, they just accumulate.  I pull out my wad of ones and start counting them out one by one for the girl, and I say offhandedly while counting, "Ya know, I earned all these ones by dancing!"

She curls up her lip in a sneer of disgust, flaring nostrils, the whole nine yards.  I pin back my ears in response and say flatly, "I'm teasing."   "Oh.  Ha ha."  I totally wasted my humor on the only halfwit in the store.  Gahhhhhh.