NUMBNUT TECH SUPPORT

Imagine this, if you can, an echocardiogram is about like an ultrasound for a pregnant belly, except instead of taking pictures of a fetus, the thing is centered over and taking pictures of your heart. 

The last time I had an echocardiogram it was about 6 weeks after surgery. Lefty was still totally purple and black and lumpy, as well as screamy sore.   Hell, the incision next to Lefty was still oozing.  If Lefty had a mouth it would be one of those giant tragedy mouths like you'd find on the Tragedy half of the Comedy/Tragedy mask duo.

I got led to the echo room by my little tech, 23 if he was a day and trying hard not to look it with about 10 chinhairs total, of which he was very proud.  He stroked them occasionally. 

I told the little echo tech in no uncertain terms, I was SCREAMY SORE, my incision was still oozing, and he'd have to be extremely gentle with me.   In fact, I told him, I didn't want to feel anything heavier than an eyelash touching my skin.  With that, I opened the gown, he saw my glorious purple tits and he said, "OH MY GOD, DEAR SWEET JESUS, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD." 

"By your response, I guess you understand what I mean about being gentle?" "Yes, Ma'am I do, but it's gonna hurt and it's gonna hurt a lot.  There's really nothing I can do.  I'll try to be as gentle as I can, but it's not gonna help." He was almost crying.

It hurt so badly that I literally writhed and moaned throughout the entire procedure and continued to do so for about 10 minutes after it was over. It was beyond horrible.  The tech kept saying, "Oh Jesus, Oh God, Oh Jesus repeatedly, during the whole thing.  I told him I'd reach over there with my good hand and choke the life out of him with it if he didn't shut up.  Just hurry up and get it done and quit wasting time on commentary.

 I asked him if this was the first one he'd ever done.  He replied that it was the first purple one he'd ever done.  It's gonna be the LAST one you ever do of ANY color if you don't kick it up into high gear!

"I'm almost done," he says.  I have to check over here on the far left side of your ribs.   You see sometimes when they operate on a heart it  just doesn't seat right the way it did before it came out of the hole.  I sighed a giant sigh, thinking I couldn't get away from this guy and into the exam room fast enough! (They do NOT take your heart out of the hole they make in your chest, btw.)

Finally I get my turn with the doc.  I let him know he's got he's got an echo tech who needs a little more education before he's allowed to open his mouth to patients in the future.  Now all I can think of is getting home fast enough so I can take a pain pill or two.

Fast forward about 7 weeks.  The doc wants to get another echo cardiogram. I tell him NO NO NO AND NO.  I would happily take some other test, but I will never, in no uncertain terms, be taking another echo cardiogram.  Lefty is still in a screamy state and has gotten no better at all.  In fact, I tell him, I think they've done something to Lefty to permanently injure it.

He quickly agrees to a CT Scan, because in fact he wants to check out Lefty to try to see why it has been in so much pain for such a long time.